We Were Born Lovers.

Sometimes I feel weighed down from expectations. I feel like I have to fit this mold that the world has placed around me, but I just can't seem to keep from oozing out of it. The world is trying to contain me with all its strength, yet I keep fighting it. I feel as if I am being squeezed down, confined, drained. But, I push up, and up, and up. Never backing down. Slipping through the cracks, the flaws, of the mold. Until finally it bursts, and I am released. I am free.

What I'm saying here is open your eyes. Look at the possibilities. We could be so much more than this. And the pain? You could erase it. The worry? Tell it goodbye. Be a free heart, a free spirit. Open up to the world. Take off your mask. Live your life. Dance in the middle of a store when your favorite song comes on. Tell that certain someone you can't live without them. Run in the rain, only stopping to jump in puddles of mud. Whatever it is, just do it. Don't hesitate. Never look back.

Whenever you are older. When you are on your death bed, and you reflect on your life, what are you going to say? I know that I will have lived the life I always dreamed of if I can say, "I fought, & I won."

This world is beautiful. Embrace it. Love it. Live it.

Everyone is Everyone.

I have been overloaded since I got back to school. I just finished my 2181 word essay on different age groups and their struggles with depression. Pheww! I feel like I wrote a novel. I am so far behind on reading all of your blogs, and I am terribly sorry. Tomorrow is Friday, so I will begin to have time to go through each and every post!

Fact Conflicting With Reality.

I've never shared with you all that my blog was named after the song Sleepyhead by Passion Pit, so if you haven't heard it then you must listen to it, I guarantee you that you will feel the need to get up and dance.

ALSO, I am so flattered that Alkyoni from Electronic Nightsky has picked me for two different awards: the Versatile Blogger and the Stylish Blogger Award, along with 5 other bloggers. How exciting! My first blogging award!!!


Today is said to be the most depressing day of the year, but I would say that today has been a fairly good day, but don't hold it to me, I haven't even started my homework yet.. but, many psychologist have determined this because this is the time of failed resolutions, after holiday debt, and icky weather. There is even a formula that experts have created.

The model is: [W + (D-d)] x TQ
M x NA

The equation is broken down into seven variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

But, I am here to be smarter than all of these professionals and say that today is not the most depressing day. I won't let it be. No doctor can tell me how I am going to feel and when I'm going to feel it, and you shouldn't let them tell you this either. If however you are feeling down, then get up and change your attitude! Personally, hearing that today is going to be depressing inspired me to do everything in my power to prove everyone wrong, and you should want to too! Because it's so much fun.

Now, everyone go out there and prove these doctors wrong and have the best day of your life. I know that's what I'm going to do!

Today's Wellness Status.

I haven't said much about how my Happiness Project is going so far. Well, I'll catch you up on January: Boost Energy.

Well, I haven't quite finished cleaning out my closet. I have 2 stacks of clothing that I am going to donate, and then I have a bag full of clothes that I am going to throw away. Once I finish my closet I am going to battle all of the clutter in my room. Eeeek! I do not mean organizing every little thing, but rather throwing away all of the 'crap'. For example: I can not get to my desk because surrounding it is shopping bags. I have a wonderful collection of Victoria Secret, Charming Charlies, Sephora, etc. bags.

That being said, I have been doing other things to energize my life. Me and my friend went to the gym the other day, and decided to go 3 times a week (if the weather allows us to). On the other days I do all that I can in my house to keep my blood flowing. And lately I have been replacing barbecue chips with fresh salads & sodas with ice water. Though I do of course allow myself to eat other things in moderation.

One of the things not on my list of things to do for this project is my daily search for inspiration. Now, this might sound crazy when my goal is to boost my energy, but in reality, it really does help my energy level. There is no way that I would ever feel the need to go out and do something if I wasn't inspired to do so. And where does my daily inspiration come from? All of your blogs of course! So, thank you all for helping me with my happiness project!

Now here is some inspiration that I will share with you today:

Get To Know Me, Get To Know You.

A blog should be a place of trust. I place to share ones life with complete and utter strangers, and not feel guilty about it because we are all a family. So, I feel as if formal introductions are in order.

I am Courtney & I live in the Midwestern area of the United States. I drink way too much coffee for my own good, and never eat meat. I enjoy going to thrift stores and antique malls. I'm the kind of girl who spends her high school career wearing pretty dresses and having tea parties, not identifying with the majority of her classmates.

One day I want to move to a city, and spend the majority of my 20's and 30's living life, not rushing into a steady routine. I want to go into fashion in one way or another, probably working for a fashion magazine. Even though me and my friend Maddie have already created our very own feminist fashion magazine called MissFits.

There will never be a time you will catch me without lipstick in my purse, even while wandering around snow-filled yards in blue wigs and a Betsey Johnson jacket, followed by Maddie shooting pictures all the way.

Some of the most interesting things to me are sociology and psychology & I will always have a book dealing with one or the other sitting by my bed, a good read before rolling back and forth all night, trying to deal with my insomnia.

My room is far too messy to freely walk around in, and drives my family insane (sorry mom.), but it serves as a place of relaxation in my mind. Escaping from the world of perfection we all seek in ourselves.

I am currently involved in reading The Happiness Project, trying to find a way to reach that high of a level of bliss.

Xoxo.

To Say I Love You.

"Just because you think you found the right person for you, doesn’t always mean that they feel you are the right person for them. That’s the challenge and the risk of opening up to someone, allowing yourself to become comfortable, even fall in love. And then one can ask and question, “I’m here, but you’re not? Where did you go left & I went right?” You can’t dial down feelings and we can’t turn back time. We can hope, even pray, that these intense feelings, desires & passions for that person, will subside if denied. That the ache in the heart will go away, that it will be filled with some other feeling, other than the love & happiness it once possessed. And then there’s the fear. The fear that if you close that door, that you will never allow it be reopened, even for that ‘imperfect’ perfect person, shall they discover that you are the one later in time. So you say to yourself, “Ok, I know the circumstances, I know they will never change, no matter how sincere the words.” So either accept it & be happy now or decide to change it, which would mean changing yourself, how you act, what you feel, what your dreams are, starting over. Is that a risk or a reward? No one knows the true definition of love or can one name the many different forms of love. Each and every one of us, only knows what we feel, what we define love to be. And the beauty of that…we don’t have to explain it to anyone but the one we love. You risk everything sometimes to come out with nothing. And so I’m going to go out on a limb here and say…I’m madly in love with you."

~ Author Unknown

So, my advice to you this evening? Take a chance. Force yourself to take risks that could crush you, or rise you up the the highest level of happiness you can imagine. Love someone worth loving. Let yourself feel something new. If you are unhappy, then how could taking a risk possibly hurt you? You can only get better from here. And things are looking up. Nothing stays the same unless you let it.

Xoxo.

Inside an Untrustworthy Snow Globe.

I think that fashion is a form of self expression. I think that mascara is meant to run down your cheeks. I think that music is an escape from reality. I think that when it's raining the sky is crying for all the Earth.

I think that women are just as strong as men. I think that you should dream a little bigger. I think that reality is a center for those lacking imagination. I think that perfection is impossible because it's repulsive.

I think that you are beautiful. Yes, you. I think that there is nothing wrong with being gay, you go Glen Coco. I think that everyone deserves to smile. I think that thrift stores are better.

I think that skipping should replace running. I think that we all think too much. I think that rules are made for people who can't think outside the box. I think that everyone should dance in the rain.

I think that photography is art. I think that I might get bangs. I think that stereotypes are cruel. I think that I may just love you.

Xoxo.

Truth Be Told.

Photo of Avril Lavigne for Nylon Magazine.

I'm in a bit of shlump..well, if that was a word, I would be in it. Contrary to my previous few posts, I am just not feeling as excited as I would have hoped. This could be because of the writing that I have worked consistently with all weekend, on depression. I spent my day reading stories on toddlers suffering through depression, and doctors not willing to give them the proper medication, and school counselors not...well, counseling these children how they should. But, I have to continue on for another week with this because it is a school research paper. Almost there!

Tonight I am going to read 3 different fashion magazines, and eat some chocolate. Then I will put on a lovely mud mask for my face! I just love the feeling of the paste growing stiffer and stiffer on my face and then finally rinsing it off and revealing smooth skin. Could a girl ask for anything better in life?

Happiness is Coming.

Last night I began my happiness project. I read for about an hour, then a little after 9 I spent around 10 minutes to sit still and meditate. Then I easily fell asleep and stayed asleep, even though I usually have a hard time due to insomnia. That one night of extra sleep has caught me up so much already, and I'm so happy.

Today I started to clean out my dresser and closet of all the pieces I could never see myself wearing anymore, and was embarrassed when I realized that I did wear this clothing in the past. Tomorrow I will finish this task, as well as cleaning out my desk!

Here is some Sunday inspiration, as well as a photo from a shoot me and Maddie did this summer in her pool!

Starting Now.

Today I purchased The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I got home, and began reading.. it is phenomenal. I would recommend it to everyone. This is not a book for only those suffering through depression, though this would be a very good pick to read if you are. This book was made for anyone to grab off the shelf. It is about making yourself happier, even if you are already happy because there is always room for improvement, and I don't see why anyone would dream of passing this opportunity up.

"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy."

-Robert Louis Stevenson

"I grasped two things: I wasn't as happy as I could be, and my life wasn't going to change unless I made it change. In that single moment, with that realization, I decided to dedicate a year to trying to be happier." -The Happiness Project. I feel like if we all took a second and just thought. Thought about our lives, our goals, our dreams, and then finally, our reality. What would we notice? Personally, I see that I have been stuck in a dream-like state that has caused reality to be blurred. I don't even know what reality is anymore. And this idea really scares me.

So, I am taking the challenge. The happy challenge, that will change my life forever. Because when I look at my life, I think of one quote, "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and still trying to figure out how that could be." -The Perks of Being a Wallflower. And I would love to look at my life and be excited for it. Be ready to go out and live.

"I wanted to change myself but accept myself. I wanted to take myself less seriously--and also more seriously. I wanted to use my time well, but I also wanted to wander, to play, to read at whim. I wanted to think about myself so I could forget myself."

-The Happiness Project

As Rubin has done in her book, I am going to start off by making a list of 12 commandments that I will follow throughout the year.

1. Be Courtney.

2. Don't hesitate.

3. Embrace every flaw.

4. Spend time alone & with everyone I know.

5. Love everyone.

6. Allow help from others.

7. Focus on the positive.

8. Let it go.

9. Find the problem.

10. Have more variety.

11. Fix it. Now.

12. Smile regularly.

"What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while." -The Happiness Project

Also, every month I will have a different area of focus, that I will not give up when the month ends, but I will simply grow on it, until I have reached my highest possible level of happiness. I am going to follow Rubin's plan for January, and focus on boosting my energy. This includes: go to sleep earlier, exercise more often, organization, tackling those tasks you put off, and acting more energetic. And I mean it, I really do. I feel like this could be a life changing experience for me. As the months go on, not all of her plans apply to my life considering I am a high school student in the Midwest of the United States. I do not need to worry about marriage, or parenthood anytime soon, so things will be adjusted to better suit my lifestyle. All of those changes will be addressed as they come up, right here on my blog.

Wish me luck on this journey, and I hope you go out and buy your own copy of The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. You won't regret it.

Mary-Kate.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen had their own movies that I would watch nonstop. I specifically remember Billboard Dad, and a video game of theirs called Sweet Sixteen. Remember when Wal-Mart had hair crimpers with their picture on them? Well I HAD to have one because they did. Basically, these women had become a part of my childhood, and for a while that's all that they were to me. They were past tense.

Then, a few years back, I heard about Mary-Kate's eating disorder, chain smoking, & all around party life and I was very interested. The girls we once looked at as an example of good, clean fun had stories behind their lives that other people had never heard before. I am not looking down on this at all, but I am respecting both of them more and more after hearing these stories.

I have always been more drawn to Mary-Kate. She is edgier, I adore her fashion, and I believe that she has so much hidden beneath the surface. So, I have decided to share my love for Mary-Kate with you all tonight. She has always been such an inspiration to me, and I hope she is to you as well.

Xoxo.

Hollywood Seamstress, Interrupted.

My style direction for this year: A Hollywood Seamstress, Interrupted.

I'm the girl who who spends her morning sipping on coffee from a large reindeer mug while carefully applying eye makeup that she will lightly smear before walking out the door. I'm the girl that embraces her obnoxiously curly hair throwing it up into a messy ponytail, and then back down to reveal a curly jungle. I'm the girl that has a drawer specifically for tights that she wears with just about anything, ignoring the fact that 80% of them are inspired by Edie Sedgwick.
I'm also the girl that wears the same ring everyday, but who also pairs it with 2 or 3 more rings, making her fingers sparkle everywhere she goes. I'm the girl that applies lipstick by the hour. Anything from the reddest of reds, to pinks that compliment her skin. Biting her lip when she's nervous. Slowly peeling the lipstick onto the surface of her white teeth.
I'm the girl that braids manically not stopping for loose hairs or clumps falling out. The girl that licks her lips to taste the frosting flavored lip balm she puts on every morning before rushing off to school. I'm the girl that carries a huge black and white purse as her book bag stuffing it full of books on psychology and novels that reveal the secret to happiness. The girl that sits criss-cross-apple sauce in her desk, refusing to put her feet down.
The same girl blasts Regina Spektor and Passion Pit to put her in a better mood. I'm the girl that looks up to Marilyn Monroe, wondering how society would feel of her if she were alive today instead of back then. I'm the girl who dreams of having Clara Bow's hair style, loving women that have the courage to chop off their long locks. Waiting for the day to follow in their footsteps. I'm the girl that wishes she was born in a different time period, scared of what the world has become.
The girl that cuts her own jean shorts, and sews a few dresses of her own. I'm the girl that wears black almost everyday because bright colors would compete with her choice of lipstick. I'm the girl that walks the streets in sequin dresses, never looking back. The girl that pairs everything with long, dangling earrings. I'm the girl that stands in the rain smiling loving the feeling of the water cleansing her pale skin. I'm the girl who can't sit still and is constantly curling her toes in and out, just to relax herself. The girl that eats tofu in her vegetable stir fry, never dreaming of eating an animal.
I'm the girl who's eyes change colors every couple of hours from bright greens, to light blues, to everything in between. The girl that can't express how she feels through words, and has to explain everything through images, music, or past experiences. The girl who keeps a pocket sized book on feminism to whip out every time someone challenges her beliefs. The one that will occasionally dye a layer of hair electric blue because she gets bored of her dirty blonde locks.

I am a Hollywood Seamstress, Interrupted.

Be sure to check out Luinae and Maddie's posts on their style direction for this year as well.

All these images are found from Weheartit.com

This Year.

So far I have been having a really good year this year. And I can tell you why.

• I have read so much more since the new year begun. I have been reading 3 different books. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Emotional Intelligence, and The Human Mind. All are extremely interesting.

• I am also limiting the amount of soda I allow myself to drink, and I believe that I have only had 1 or 2 Starbucks since the new year started. My caffeine has been limited, though not eliminated. I still like to have a cup of coffee at home in the morning before I go off to school, or else I run the risk of falling asleep midway through class.

• I officially have started putting a large chunk of my money in a savings jar. Since I placed a wad of cash in there I have felt so relieved. I now know that I have that security to allow myself to shop smartly.

• Starting tomorrow I am going to begin working out everyday after school at the neighborhood gym we have right up the street from me. Or, at least doing some sort of exercise at home.

• I have spent more time alone, while still leaving plenty of time for my friends and family.

• I have been blogging much more than I ever have before! I've been so excited to blog lately, and I have also been keeping up with reading much more blogs that I adore.

• I've watched 500 Days of Summer 3 times. It's really quite a sad movie, but at the same time so beautiful. Summer took advantage of Tom, guys like him don't exist in the real world, but for some reason their story still seemed worth it all.

• I have been able to spend more time researching colleges, artists, vintage fashion, and amazing bands.

How has everyones year been so far?

Confessions of a Shopaholic.

In my last post I told you about how I was going to save up my money and buy things that I really wanted. I am very sad to tell you this, but so far..that isn't working out.

Today my friend asked me to go shopping with her, and this is her last day in town before returning to college, so naturally, I said of course I would. Today I ended up spending most of the money that I made from babysitting last night, but that is including the 2 meals we got while we were out shopping. I got a new purse, 2 new pairs of earrings, tights, mascara, and a few other small items.

So, I have realized that I truly do need to put a jar aside that I will use to save up money in. I think that half of the money I earn from babysitting, helping around the house, or whatever it may be should go into this jar. I will not reach inside of this jar until this semester of school is out. This way I can properly reward myself for succeeding on completing yet another school year. Brilliant!

We will see how long this lasts.

Sincerely,

The girl you can never trust with a credit card.

Shopping List.

I am starting a shopping list of major items that I would like to purchase in the next year. So far it is only a small list of big things that I have been wanting for a long, long time now.

1. A designer watch. I have always adored Marc by Marc Jacob watches, and this lovely gal I know showed me hers the other day and it was simply divine. The ones that I have been eyeing are between $150-$225, so I will have to put aside a jar to save up in for this piece of jewelry.

2. Chanel No. 5. Who could name a more classic perfume for a women to wear? Coco Chanel is such an inspirational figure to me, and I would love to have the honor of owning something from Chanel, and Chanel No. 5 would be my number one choice, by far. This is $260/oz, so if I ever do purchase this then I will be getting a limited supply of it. (Right now I go and ask for samples that I take home and use 'for a french assignment').

3. A white lace, vintage dress that I discovered today when searching high and low for a dress similar to that of the dress worn in Factory Girl when Edie and Andy met for the very first time. I searched for this when I discovered that the theme of our Prom this year is 'Keep It Classy', and even though I do not expect to go to Prom, I decided that I should be prepared. Just in case. I found one almost exact, only to find that it had been sold, but my hopes were replinished when I ran into this other dress costing $158.

All of these items are a bit out of my price rang at this point, but I have decided to save up, and simply wait and see what happens.

In the mean time, I must be on the lookout of tights with interesting design details, high socks, and boots.

P.S. Imagine all 3 of my top items together, what a lovely sight that would be.

January 4th 2011.

I feel like ever since New Year's time has just flown by. Today I went back to school after a much needed break and am in 4 new classes along with the same English, History and Math classes from before. However, I now have completed my required science (YESS!) and am filling that time in with a drawing and painting class. I am also taking personal finance and computer applications 2.

This semester I want to allow myself more freedom to get out of the house on weeknights. Last semester I would stress myself out over every little thing, so I have decided that if I start to feel like I'm going to explode then I should allow myself to move my work space up to the local coffee shop or to a friends house where I can think with a clear head. Environment changes can be vital when your mental health is at stake.

Last night I cleaned out a ton of old magazines (especially my 30 pound stake of Teen Vogues dating back to 2007). When I clean out magazines I don't toss them all in the garbage and be done with it. I go through each magazine checking for shoots that I remember and feel inspired by. For example the shoots with Emma Watson and Mia Wasikowska really stood out to me as exquisite. I also ripped out a few Juicy Couture ads, posters of Lily Allen and Florence Welch and random fashion shoots.

After collected a good number of images, I tapped them together and hung them up over my desk. This is my inspiration wall, and when I look over at the wall I can't help but smile at each and every image because they all speak to me in such different ways.

All images belong to TeenVogue.